By Steve Blues

Reality TV has used a multitude of scenarios to base programs on but no one has ever thought to use clubbers, until now that is . . .

I was sitting around shooting the breeze with a few mates and a helluva lot of beer when the conversation turned to Reality TV. The chilled out, peaceful atmosphere we had been enjoying up to that point evaporated as various battles broke out about whether Survivor was better than Temptation Island or whether the SA version of Got Talent was, in fact, less painful than having your eye gouged out with a rusty spoon. The only thing we agreed upon was that no matter what your view on individual programs or Reality TV as a whole, the genre is more addictive than heroin.

After that brief moment of consensus the arguments broke out again and, as the beer stock started dwindling, it began to look as if a brawl might actually develop between the Survivor junkies and The Apprentice addicts. Luckily, just before it erupted into drunken ultra-violence, someone piped up with the observation that in the myriad of Reality TV scenarios that have played out on TV screens across the globe nobody had ever created one based purely on clubbing culture.

The conversation quickly turned to how a clubbing reality TV show would be structured and despite a near riot over whether it should be called Clubbing Survivor or Club Idol the rest of the debate was concluded without anyone hitting anyone else over the head with a chair. Mind you, it was a close call, especially when the Survivor camp insisted that the 2 teams of 4 players we would start with should be called ‘The Tribes’. Anyway, after that little hiccup we established the following challenges for the tribes/teams to overcome in order to eventually emerge with one Clubbing Survivor. . .er. . .Club Idol:

The Doorman Challenge
One of the male members of each team must be dressed in slip-slops, a rancid vest, trucker’s cap and running shorts. The winning team is the one who gets their inappropriately dressed male into one of Joburg’s premium night spots (ie: The Venue) and onto the dancefloor (for the duration of one whole track) in the shortest possible time. The winning tribe earns immunity and the losing tribe must vote one of their team members out of the game.

Get a Round In   
Each team nominates one member to fetch a round of drinks at the main bar of one of Joburg’s busiest clubs. The round must consist of two shooters and two chasers for each team member. The first team member to get their drinks back to their team (who must wait on the far side of the dancefloor from the bar) and down the lot will win the challenge. Time penalties will be imposed for spillage. The losers will have to vote out a member.

Blag your way into the VIP Lounge
The first team to successfully get all their member’s into a premium club’s VIP lounge and cadge a round of freebie drinks off the club’s owner or manager wins the challenge. Losers vote out a member.

Identify the undercover cops
Each team will be given one hour to make the necessary enquires to determine which of the club’s punters are in actual fact undercover cops. The team that successfully identifies the cops within the shortest amount of time wins the challenge. Losers vote out a member.

At this point there will be 4 contestants left and the teams/tribes will merge and the competition will move onto individual challenges.

Getting Hammered
The remaining contestants will play various drinking games (such as coinage) until such time as one of their number throws up or passes out. That individual is then eliminated.

Talk them off the edge
The three remaining contestants will have to overcome their intense inebriation to hit the chill room and talk down a punter who has taken too much LSD and is about to chew their own eyelids off. The first contestant to get their druggie talked down to the point where they are able to hit the dancefloor with a smile on their face wins a strong cup of coffee. The last placed loser is eliminated.

The Final Deciding Challenges
This will consist of a number of tasks each of which will earn points to decide who is the ultimate Clubbing Survivor (or, of fucking course, The Ultimate Club Idol. . . .sigh).

-    The first task is to get the DJ to play a request within 20 minutes of the request being made. Understanding a DJs tastes, the way they structure their sets and the vinyl they are likely to use will determine a winner here.
-    The second task is that each contestant must try to get as many telephone numbers of members of the opposite sex as possible (or same sex depending on their sexual preference – obviously bisexuals would have a distinct advantage here). Points are awarded for each number obtained but bonus points are earned if you can get beyond the telephone number and into some serious action. Actual sexual intercourse in the ladies bathroom, for example, carries a 100 point bonus.
-    The third task is designed to test a contestant’s ability to party on zero budget. They will be given one hour to bum as many drinks, joints and hard drugs as they can possibly manage. The higher the value of the item blagged loot, the more points it is worth.
-    The fourth and final task consists of the contestants having to consume the entire stock of bummed drinks and party snacks before embarking on a dancefloor marathon. Contestants will be awarded points on aspects such as rhythm, style, stamina and their ability to pull fellow punters into their dancefloor reality.

All the points will then be tallied and each of the contestants who were voted out will be able to award a set number of bonus points to the contestant of their choice. Then, the ultimate Clubbing Survivor will be named and will win cash, a fully paid two week stay in Ibiza, a year’s supply of booze and energy drinks, and a nifty T-shirt proclaiming their awe-inspiring greatness.