By Steve Blues
How to survive weekend lock up with your chocolate starfish intact...

Once again a number of Spencerites found themselves being jumped by the White Jetta tag team duo over the weekend. Why these two undercover cops prefer pouncing on those who are on their way home (when most clubbers have already happily consumed their entire party snack stock!?!?) is a bit of a mystery. But, I suppose it must be pretty damn lonely being on duty at 5 am. And, what better way to liven up those desolate pre-dawn hours than giving bubble-eyed clubbers a post party freak out?

However, even though the Jetta Duo hasn’t quite figured out the way chemical clubbing works, they are bound to make a collar every now and then. The law of averages dictates that they will eventually stumble across some happy go lucky clubber who’s forgotten that they have a couple of spares in their change pocket. Or has a reefer or two around to assist the come down. Hopefully it won’t be you, but just in case, you had better familiarize yourself with my guide to surviving weekend lock up because if you don’t know what you are doing you’re destined to become a very large, mean and smelly man’s bitch.

1. The most critical thing you have to remember in jail is there are only two distinct types of prisoners currently eyeing you suspiciously. Those that kill for fun and those who take killing much more seriously, either way you are seriously screwed if you piss them off.

2. Do not let yourself get shoved into the cell where the inmates are already eating each other with sharpened spoons. Instead, keep your eyes open as for anyone who looks even remotely familiar and latch onto them like a long-lost wealthy relative who owes you money. You do not want to appear to be alone. Not matter how confused your new cousin / in-law / uncle / bother is, he will more than likely keep an eye out for you when you need to sleep - for roughly the same reasons why you befriended him in the first place.

3. Make sure that immediately after your heart rendering reunion with the latest addition to your family tree you loudly regale him with the story of your arrest. It is highly advisable to work in several mortally wounded arresting officers into the story. This will give you social status and keep you unmolested for at least a few hours.

4. Make sure you have a well-trained bladder the size of a large grapefruit. There are few things that will reduce your immediate life expectancy (never mind the sanctity of your deeply intimate areas) than hauling out the pride and joy to have a slash. Remember that a dozen sex-starved murderers, rapists and other vicious deviants are avidly watching you manhandle your previously private and heterosexual parts.

5. Do NOT admit you are carrying cash to anyone, for any reason, under any circumstances whatsoever. Anyone who wants to know if you have any cash on you for cigarettes / food / protection is really just trying to figure out if it is worth the extra 15 years on top of the 12 consecutive life sentences they already have to rob and kill you for the money you just stupidly admitted you had.

6. Even if you have to bribe the arresting officers with whatever cash reserves you have with you as they slip the handcuffs on, make absolutely sure you get your hands on as many cigarettes as you can comfortably carry. Smokes are the equivalent of currency in jail. You can get just about anything you want for two packs of Camel filter. They are also an invaluable source of entertainment because once you have read all the vulgar graffiti carved into the walls there is not a hell of a lot left to do in jail except smoke.

7. If you are going to spend more than 24 hours in prison before posting bail then you are faced with no choice but to eat to stay functioning and alert. Do NOT eat prison food! You would have a better chance of survival if you ate a laboratory swab dipped in a genetically enhanced buffet of fatally toxic diseases (the swab would taste better anyway….believe me!). Why put yourself at that risk when a pack of smokes will convince the nearest corrupt warder to organise you a McDonalds’ Happy Meal? As an added bonus you will then at least have a fun toy to while away the time with.

8. No guide to the dangers of jail would be complete without mentioning that (surprise, surprise!) drugs are more freely available than condoms in a brothel. You will more than likely find yourself highly tempted to indulge just to relieve the mind-bending boredom inherent in sitting in a small cell with 12 other guys for hours on end. But, I can guarantee that the moment your pupils dilate properly, so too will your chocolate starfish (apologies to Limp Bizkit!).

If you are unlucky enough to find yourself frantically trying to arrange bail to get yourself out of jail (a decent bribe is just as effective) then remember my advice. It has been carefully compiled from my own totally. . .er. . .unwarranted experiences with the SAPS Hospitality Branch over the last decade or so of gratuitous victimisation. But, lastly, while you are anxiously awaiting for your bail (or bribe) financing to come through I will leave you with this little bit of jail house humour to keep you amused…

”The less time you spend inside, the less dead you will be when you get out…..”