Mr Spencer’s 10 Steps to Swine Flu prevention on the dancefloor
By Bo Liphuko

Hey hey all you Spencerites out there, don’t look now but I smell and hear something coming down the walk way with an Oink of devastating effect. Yes that’s right you guessed it, we are now at war with a virus that only affected pigs but now it has adapted and grown to kill the true lovers of funky tunes and dark hangouts. Ladies and germs let’s have a chat about this year’s famed killer, Swine Flu or scientifically deemed Influenza AH1N1.

Precautions to take whilst clubbing
Here are just a few precautions that should be taken into account in the case of you coming into contact with someone of the pork variety:

Step 1
Avoid alcohol! Instead smoke a reefer alone before and after you leave the club house, this will reduce your chances catching the virus.

Step 2
Avoid large crowds! But if you find yourself in a large crowd, full body latex is great for those close encounters of a swine kind.

Step 3
Don’t sneeze into your hand but rather sneeze into your elbow. Mr Spencer’s advice is rub some Tiger Balm onto your elbow before you sneeze this will help in containing and disinfecting whatever germs land on it, plus no need to rub off.

Step 4
Moderate exercise can support the immune system. People with a knowledge of the two-step are great deterrents, as they’ll keep you moving lowering your chances.

Step 5
Don’t share bottled water or any drink. For this midgets or rather little people are also a great help, let your little friend hold your spare drink in case someone needs a sip from yours allowing you to give it up with no stress.

Step 6
Boost your immune system with a spliffy and your favourite bowl of Coco pops with luke warm milk.

Step 7
Keep away from sick people! To do this, and we tested this on Bo, immerse yourself in a vat of UV KY jelly. Looking this ridiculous people will avoid you and will help to keep you aware and observant and allow you to slip past of any impending “Pig” victims trying to pass the pork.

Step 8
In the case that you share oral fluids with your partner or a random, rub a thick layer of Vaseline on any organ that will come into contact with whatever you plan on coming into contact with. (Use your imagination and that will save you from funky inflammations).

Step 9
Wash your hands after you have been to the toilet and only use soap that has come from a dispenser, avoid soap that’s in bar form and especially people that pull off the three-step with way to many coughs to count.

Step 10
Wear a mask, but not any kind of mask. A mask with the Mr Spencer logo in orange is preferable. Check your nearest Mr Spencer for stock and details.

Recent reported cases in across the world
Ok, I know that you all loving clubbing as much as the Bodacious loves his spliffy, but in places such as Ibiza (yes, party capitol of the world)  and more wonderful places have been hit hard. Especially places that thrive on those people called tourists. For instance in Ibiza a young lad of 19 who’s an accountant managed to contract the virus whilst on a party vacation with the rest of his cronies. Luckily the young chap who hails from Scotland lives to tell the tale of his battle against the “Pigs”! Another case was reported of a cute bird that also was attacked by the strange virus in a place called Ayia Napa near Cypress. In most cases ugly people have been found not to be affected by the strain, funny how that shit happens. Like I said Tourists will be the down fall of all clubbers.

 

Here are some precautions for clubbers traveling to party places like Ibiza
1.    Get vaccinated with Mr. Charlie and Dr Hoffman and just in case for all you worry warts Mary Jane. Found at any stockist near your corner dealer.
2.    If you get sick contact your nearest “pharmacist” for knock out specials on vaccines, literally!
3.    If you get sick on return from your party vacation, contact you pharmacist and let them know all the places you visited and who and what your “pharmacist” was prescribing.
4.    Avoid close contact with people who appear ill and have tattoos of elves or unicorns.
5.    Avoid contact with people who forever say “Like Ice my Brother”! Especially, if they are breaking a cold sweat in a room with more then 70 people.

What is Swine Flu?
To be politically correct Swine flu is known as the Swine Influenza Virus or (SIV) for short. If you thought the world’s governments weren’t shady enough with the AIDS epidemic then you have to feast your eyes on this. Pigs or rather swine were supposed to be the only ones who contracted the virus, but as of late in a small Pueblo somewhere in Mexico the damn virus has adapted to infect Humans, yes you read right. Pig’s flu can make you sick too, but kill you just as fast. So we at Spencer HQ have taken it upon ourselves to help, assist and educate you jungle monkeys out there to keep an eye, nose and ear out for those carrying this deadly virus to our beloved sanctuaries.

Symptoms
The symptoms of swine flu vary from person to person, so what might kill another might just make you suffer. The symptoms are similar to that of regular influenza so be aware and take heed:
•    Feeling of being cold
•    A cough and constant sneezing with runny noses
•    Constant headaches
•    A fever
•    Never really hungry
•    Lots of aches
•    Diarrhoea, and vomiting
•    Throat very sore and feels very itchy
•    People who develops pneumonia
•    Watery eyes

Treatment
Fear not my fellow Spencerites, because testing has been shown that the virus is treatable, especially when caught in the early stages of infection. Anti-viral drugs are available such as oseltamivir (Tamiflu) and zamanivir (Relenza), which stop the virus from replicating inside your body. They say it would be best to attack the virus 2 days after infection but we at Mr. Spencer would suggest attacking it from the word go but, if that doesn’t seem to help contact your nearest Dr. Greenthumb in an inner city near you.

Check out the Swine Flu forum HERE.