Bribery , a form of pecuniary corruption, is an act usually implying money or gift given that alters the behaviour of the recipient in ways not consistent with the duties of that person or in breach of law.

Once again it's that time of the year again, where you pack up half your house to go down to the coast to not only relax and get away from the hub-bub of city life but, to go and piss of the locals of that coastal area. In all fair game, the trip and the sites that follow that are only disrupted by one thing some people don't usually expect when they're halfway between home and their destination. And now ladies and gents it is my unfortunate pleasure to welcome the ever foreboding, un-relentless and un-impressionable SAPS Traffic officer.

Now kids lets just remember what this season is all about to us, it is the time of giving and remembering your fellow man. Now, take a look at the word ‘ giving ', this has been misconstrued by our boys in blue. Now take into account that most cases that deal with the victim, because remember you are always going to be the victim in cases such as this you can never be the instigator unless you're a cop. I'm going to give a little of the nitty gritty on how to bribe a cop in just a few easy, unforgettable steps.

Firstly every person should realize that either you can bribe your way out of trouble or that attempting any of these can and still could get the book thrown at you. Oh and another thing to take note of, is gentlemen women will always have the upper hand even if the cop is female it's still a lose – lose situation.

Pregnancy Escape
Now this could either work for you or just make the holiday a little more interesting, now make sure you have a pillow or a pregnant suit( for those keen baby planners) packed near by. Before the unsuspecting police officer is within visible distance of both of you and your companion begin your act. Make sure that your girlfriend, female friend or sister is panting profusely as though they are about to give birth to an elephant. Advice, don't go and overdo the act by saying that you're loved one is going into labour when you're only 200km from the nearest town or hospital, because that will just make matters worse and you'll end up with a private escort or worse……. when they find out you were lying. And that is what we are preventing them from finding out. And as a gesture of thanks tell the cop in praise for not delaying you that you'll name your unborn after him/her whilst speeding off.

Acceptance
Believe it or not but to actually sit and tell a cop that you were in the wrong for speeding in most cases puts you in the top. Because why I say this, police confront liars, convicts and con artists on a daily basis. So what you have to do is the Jhb city shuffle, what is that you must be asking. Well, this is a method of making everyone look left whilst what's actually going down is on the right. Get me? Good. You, tell cop what he doesn't want to hear and that my friends is something we all call ‘Issues', because we've all got them. Doing this leaves them unprepared seeing that they expect you to be nervous and ever ready to pull out your wallet in fear of the slammer. Trust boys and girls ISSUES can get you a free drink if you just try.

Accidents
Yes, this type of shit goes unnoticed by many of mankind, faking can always give you a believer. If you take into account the amount of times you went off and broke or hurt something and there was no way you could waste time waiting for the Ammonium Army to whisk you to the nearest hospital. Realise that, yes, with an emergency light at your disposal anything and I mean anything is possible but, realism is the key to any get away situation. That's why I also think that it's also a great thing to have a friend or family member with the abilities to dislocate limbs from their sockets and others with the gift of being double jointed in the strangest of places. With gifts like these broken limbs look a lot more realistic.

But hey if you think all this is a bit much and little crazy, that's cool just go down the old rabbit hole and spend all your hard earned xmas money on that fat tub of lard who's here to protect and enslave your creative genius from needed RnR.

How you may ask, the conventional way of course:
•  Slide him a R50 note underneath with your drivers licence.
•  In a very stupid undertone mention numbers (money) as though you were in an underground auction for your life's possession.
•  Offer your girlfriend for the night with money discreetly placed between her bosoms.

Compliment the officer on fine work well done and whatever food is sitting in the car do not hesitate to offer with a R50 inside. (A lucky packet)